Really?! Who knew...

If I had thought to ask someone, I probably would have been better informed...it just never occurred to me.  I had no idea that a decision would not be given today! Now the administrative law judge from Spokane, that conducted the hearing via video conference, has 4-6 weeks to hand down her decision. 

There was an MD from Indianapolis, Indiana, and a Psychologist from San Diego, California (independent consultants who had no prior communications with me, my lawyer, or the judge) present via telephone conference, and an occupational "person" (he wasn't a therapist, he was a representative that was able to speak to my ability to work considering what the doctors had to say) present with the judge in Spokane. 

The MD and Psychologist were not favorable to my decision (!?) even after each reading through and summarizing 20-30 minutes (each) of moderate to severe physical and mental health conditions, medical records, hospital records, etc...they both said I did not meet qualifications of the "law" according to their opinion/s.  However, they did state what they considered all of my limitations and/or provisions to be based on my conditions. 

Then the judge directed my attorney to ask me questions, the answers of which were my testimony to my disability.  Based on their summaries, and my testimony, at the end the occupational representative stated that with my physical and mental provisions and limitations it was his opinion that I am not able to work.  He said that I could not do the work I have always done (administrative/executive assistant, office manager, etc.) - that I would only be able to work in a sedentary, unskilled position; at that, he stated, that I would certainly be able to "get" a job...but because I would be likely to miss even 1 or 2 days a month due to my limitations, I would not be able to keep a job.

So - it's in God's hands now - and I need to let it go.  I'm praying for the ability to do that.  I'll know in 4-6 weeks whether I'm granted disability.  If I am, it will be as of 6/10/10, so I will already be qualified for Medicare, which has a 29 month waiting period from the date of disability. 

Things became very, very difficult when the psychologist began to speak to my suicide attempts, substance abuse history, etc.  Especially the time in 2006, right before I went to treatment and got sober, when I downed 90 klonopin in front of my 15-year-old son.  The shame I still feel around that is something I haven't been able to really deal with yet and self-forgiveness has not come...always more work to do. :-/

I felt the support of my God and my friends, and was able to continue without "completely" breaking down.  There were some tears, but no sobbing, and my attorney said I did a really good job of answering her questions on topic, to the point, and the way I needed to.  There were a few times that I had trouble verbally expressing myself or completing a thought, but she said that happened very naturally, and primarily when it needed to...that is, it was mainly when she was questioning me about my ability to focus, process information, complete tasks, and communicate.  There were a few times I couldn't remember the exact details, but she said that speaks to my brain injury and memory, and that I very naturally did and said things that were accurate to my condition/s. 


That was all God...I just asked Him to direct my thoughts and words, and then I answered truthfully and from my heart.

Thank you to everyone who has been holding me up throughout the last several weeks! I love you all!  :-)

Life...on life's terms.

I haven't posted since February.  So much has happened and continues to happen in my life.  I work daily to grow my faith in God, to pray for His will in my life and the life of my family, and to praise Him in the middle of this incredible storm that has become daily life.

I'm not sure I can even begin to wrap my head around what is really going on.  Our daughter has been involved with Recovery Opportunity Court (ROC Court...an adult treatment court) in Jackson County, Oregon, since July of 2012.  She appeared to be doing so well...but she wasn't.  She'd been hiding things and breaking rules, and when confronted, she continued to lie.  When she finally admitted the truth, the damage had been done.  Next Tuesday morning she will be sentenced to serve prison time at a women's correctional facility near Portland.  Unless the Judge has a sudden --and highly unlikely-- change of heart, my baby girl will be going away for 6-1/2 years.  I have no real words to describe how much this hurts, how badly my heart is breaking, and how I feel as though the nightmare will never end.

Her dad and I were made guardians of her 4-1/2 year old son on March 6th.  He doesn't understand why he hasn't seen mommy lately...they had developed a very close relationship in the last 8 months and she was ready to have unsupervised and overnight visits.  How do I explain to a 4 year old that I don't know when he will be able to see mommy again...and that it will be so far away...and only for a short time....and only very occasionally...?

I had shoulder surgery February 20th and have been unable to use my right arm for much of anything for the past 6 weeks...I can't drive for another 12 weeks.  The stress makes the pain worse...the pain makes the stress worse...it just goes round and round.

I'm not trying to "play the victim" in any of this...I just don't know exactly how to cope except to do what I've been taught in AA - to share about how I feel and what's going on.  I've started going to Al-Anon too, and I have an Al-Anon sponsor that I'm going to be working with.  I know I need to take care of myself, but it's hard.  This is ripping my husband apart too - and he doesn't talk about his feelings and doesn't want to talk about mine.  Life at our house isn't at its best these days.

I know that God has a plan for my life, for my grandson's life, for my husband's life, and for my daughter's life.  I know that I don't need to know what that plan is and that I just need to trust in Him.  I read that "if God leads you to it, He WILL bring you through it."

I'm counting on that.